When you were an infant, I bet you did not “tolerate” anything – meaning, you did not put up with needing something and not mentioning it, right?  (Weren’t those the days!)  But as you grew up, you were told not to be selfish or self-centered”, so you began to learn how to “tolerate” situations (as in, wait your turn, be understanding, cope, accept, be patient, look on the bright side, it will work out, compromise, you can not always have what you want, etc.).  Most of us learned these skills extremely well and have become excellent “tolerators”.   Now is the time for this to change!

The surprising truth seems to be that the more you tolerate, the less attractive you are to yourself AND/OR to the people to whom YOU matter most (vs the other way around).   The tips below will help you reduce your tolerations by 90-100% and hopefully without getting divorced, losing your job or flinging your Rolodex out the window -- unless that is what is best for you, of course!

1. We usually are tolerating things that are below our standards for VERY good reasons.
Discover what these reasons are before beginning to eliminate your tolerations.

Tolerations are like brakes -- they slow down our naturally rapid personal development and evolution process. So, if you are experiencing fear, you will 'install' tolerations -- ANYTHING to slow yourself down to feel a bit safer. Interesting thought, isn't it, that perhaps we deliberately (consciously or unconsciously) create things to tolerate in order to feel more secure about where we are along our path?

2. Complete the Clean Sweep Questionnaire and then focus on the items that you were
unable to check off as already “up to standard”.

You may have at least 50 unchecked items that qualify as needing “upgrading” in your life……maybe even more!  In particular, write these items down on a separate sheet of paper and asterisk the tolerations for which you cannot see a solution---the big, important ones.  It is essential that you focus on these, because usually the majority of your other tolerations hinge on these several big ones.

3. Study your list and identify the immediate and long-term benefits of having/maintaining
these specific tolerations.

This may sound a bit odd, because most people do not really like or enjoy their tolerations at all. Regardless, they ARE working for you in some way and it is very important to recognize/admit how these ARE paying off for you, often in very practical and perhaps even healthful ways. Make a note of at least one benefit for each of the tolerations on your list.

4. Study your list and identify the costs (both hard and soft) of these tolerations.

Okay, now you will identify what is 'expensive' about your tolerations. Hard costs are those costs that are known and measurable -- they can either be short term or long term . Soft costs are those costs which are not as clear -- an undercurrent of feeling that something about this toleration is really expensive, but you can not quite identify it exactly or completely. Identify the hard and soft costs for each of your listed tolerations.

5. Decide whether it is worth it to you to evolve into a Toleration-Free Zone.

In doing the exercises in #2, #3 and #4, you will have gotten to know yourself a bit better and also have come to understand the dynamic (both positive and negative) of tolerations. At some point along this process, you may choose to become what is called a Toleration-Free Zone, or TFZ for short. Basically, this is an internal change or shift where tolerations are no longer acceptable to you and you focus on identifying and totally eliminating them (and the source of them).  This does not mean that you will never tolerate things in the future. Rather, it signifies that you fully understand the hard and soft costs of tolerations and will not intentionally tolerate them. When you encounter or notice tolerations, you will move quickly to take care of them. Becoming a TFZ is NOT a promise you make to yourself or to anyone else. Rather, it is just a place you have gotten to that says 'no' to tolerations. This 'attitude' will help you eliminate tolerations more easily, as you encounter them. In effect, you will have been sensitized to the costs of tolerations to the point that you will no longer put up with them.

6. Identify the easiest toleration on your list and eliminate it 110%.

110%? The extra 10% is the 'source' of the toleration! Let us say you can not tolerate your husband's squeezing of the toothpaste tube from the middle.  (Some might call you anal retentive, but that is another issue!) Rather than just asking/telling hubby to change his habits, you would simply start buying the type of toothpaste packaging that has a pump. This example is not a perfect one, but it does illustrate the 10% principle. In other words, change something 'behind' the toleration so that it never comes up again. Otherwise, you will be swatting down tolerations over and over again. THAT is not progress.

7. Tell your closest relationships that you are making some important changes.

Let people in your family and other environments know that you are working on creating a Toleration-Free Zone. Give fair warning and be gracious about not tolerating stuff that others have gotten used to you tolerating. It is only fair, because, in effect, you have previously trained them by your responses that you have been okay with some of the stuff that you are now NOT OK with. So rather than pouncing on people, simply let them know how much you have changed in a particular area and spend a little time with those affected to talk about the things that have recently become 'not OK' with you. In other words, don't get righteous. Be fair. And you may want to invite them to join you in a TFZ – that is usually the easiest way to include people in the process.

8. Find a coach or friend to get consistent support from in this area.

If tolerations are the tail, your life is the dog….meaning that when you begin to identify and eliminate tolerations, it is going to cause some unexpected changes. Your feeling of balance and the harmony in your relationships will be upset by your evolution. There WILL be fallout and having a friend or expert coach to help you respond, react and step quickly through some of these surprises will help you to stay the course.

9. Continue to move down your list for the next 90 days.

Put yourself on a 30- or 90-day plan and focus on handling 30 or 90 tolerations in that time frame -- one a day.  You will find that the momentum that this creates will really make the process occur faster and with less effort.

10. Make some important infrastructure changes to support your progress.

As you identify and eliminate tolerations, you will probably find the need to install some new infrastructure in your life -- for two reasons. First, the tolerations themselves DID provide support/focus for you, even if they were expensive. Second, the people, job, beliefs and projects that provide support for ANYONE may change given how much YOU are changing. People will leave (and you'll attract new folks), goals will change, etc. You will need to recognize that you are experiencing a sense of loss (even if relief!) and install the new people, projects, routines, habits, behaviors, etc., that you need to create a full system of support to rely on.

As you “upgrade” your Toleration Free Zone, day by day, watch for the increasing excitement, energy and peace that you may experience.  If you want someone to celebrate with, email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it !



Modified from Coachville, 2002.